The day mommy got a time out

J and I had a wonderful weekend. We drove down to Missouri on Friday to visit family / see his dad. Despite J puking twice on the way down, all over his carseat and himself, then again while we were sleeping, it was a marvelous trip. He was happy and up beat all of Friday, even with the puking. The only negative was at the very end when I accidently squished his toe in the car door. It wasn't bad. It was red for ten minutes. 

We spent Saturday with my family, went to the park and had lunch with my cousin and his two toddlers, J was even a good boy at a Church service remembering my grandparents Saturday afternoon. After Church, we drove the back roads to his father's work. He works in a farm supply/hardware store. We were early so we walked around a bit. Dealing with his dad was even a nice encounter. I headed back to my grandparent's house, took myself out to dinner, watched a sunset, and listened to audiobooks I had downloaded. It was a beautiful Saturday. 

Sunday was an absolutely beautiful day in Southeast Missouri. Sun shining, a few random clouds, seventy degrees. I woke up early, worked out, went for a walk to Main St. in their small town, then went to a Church lunch my aunt was working at. After the lunch, my aunt and I went shopping. She has two sons, a husband, and two grandsons, so she needs girl time every once in a while. We got back from shopping, I packed up my stuff, went through some of my grandparent's stuff that was boxed up. I picked out some books I wanted to keep, and learned my grandparents were apparently VERY into bird watching, who knew?! hahaha I went to sleep early. It was another beautiful day. 

Monday started great. I woke up early and met J and his dad back at his work. I was early, J seemed happy, his dad was decent, "This is going to be a nice 7 hour drive home," I thought to myself. After about a half hour of driving, J fell asleep for about 45 minutes. Again, I thought this is going to be one of our best trips back ever. 

For the next six hours, we had the same conversation 12 times an hour, for six hours.

J: Mommy?

Me: Yes?

J: Are we home yet?

Me: No

J: -crying hysterically, out of nowhere- OMG WE'RE LOST! WE'RE NEVER GOING TO GET HOME!

Me: I promise you we are not lost

J: Mommy?

Me: Yes?

J: Can I watch on your phone?

Me: No. It's not working

J: -crying hysterically- OMG MY TOE HURTS! YOU SMASHED IN THE DOOR! YOU ARE THE WORST MOMMY! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

In between these discussions, he'd throw shit at me or kick my seat, and he'd get a time out. We've been doing 1-2-3-Magic program for discipline, and it's been going great. How the hell are you supposed to give a 4 year old a time out while you're driving down the highway? Seriously, I'm open for ideas. I ended up pulling over every time, taking whatever toys he had found, turning off music, and ignore him for four minutes. 

While ignoring him for four minutes helped, by the time we got home I was spent. I don't remember what I had done to piss him off at that point, but in our first 20 minutes home, he spent 15 in timeout. I did something else, Lord knows what, and he told me, "You're a mean mommy. You're not listening. You need a timeout!" I. WAS. LIVID. 

To keep both of us safe, I said ok. I turned on the alarm and went in my room for 28 minutes. I told him he couldn't talk to me while I was up there. IT WAS AMAZING!

I think every toddler mom should make a regular "mommy time out" part of their routine. The kids will survive, you will keep your sanity, it's really a win-win. After my nap, he said sorry for not listening, I said sorry for yelling, and we watched a movie together. 

A leap of faith

When the consequences of taking a leap of faith, and failing, are diminished by the consequences of not taking the leap, your minds already made up. TAKE THAT LEAP. 

I met my son's father while we were both in college in Missouri. I'm from Chicago. I left him when my son was a year old. My parents, "stayed together for the kids," and I respect them so much for that. At the same time though, their unhappiness has caused emotional issues for me, and my siblings, into adulthood. I never wanted my son to deal with that. The house is full of love 75% of the time, but there are moments. A year after I left, I graduated and I had a lease ending, plus no job lined up, so we moved in with my parents back in chicago. That was my only choice. 

Three years later, and we're still living with them. I was offered the opportunity to return to my alma mater to study for my master's degree. I keep telling everyone that's the plan. "Moving back to Missouri. Going to grad school." I haven't submitted the paperwork though. I was terrified, until today. 

What if I fail and have to move back to Chicago? What will that do to my son? Will he hate me forever? Will he be emotionally scarred cause of my failure? Can I even do this without my parents? 

I noticed something today though while my mom was yelling at my dad cause he put coffee in her cup before the creamer, which is ~obviously~ incorrect. I noticed my son's whole body language change. He had woken up happy, full of energy. As this went down he kind of curled up in his seat; head down, shoulders in, eyes on the table. I knew right then and there that we were moving. At that moment, my failure didnt mean shit if it stopped his emotional wreckage from happening. 

Some things still amaze me about becoming a parent, and how quickly my feeling change based on his well being, will always be one of them. I saw his reaction and knew that I wasn't going to fail because of him. All of my selfish fears disappeared cause he needed this opportunity just as much as i did. If, by some weird fluke, I totally bomb, at least he'll know mommy tried. I'm not saying that I won't hit a bump or two, or that I won't emotionally damage him in other ways, but at least they'll be my own, different ways. Hahahaha

So, my message today is that I wish you inner peace with your decisions. Don't stress yourself too much about making the right decision. If you work hard, and make the most of every speed bump you hit, you'll be just fine.  

Why my neighbors love Winter

With Fall officially upon us, I thought I would write an open letter to all my neighbors, but especially, the young family who just moved in to one of the houses that backs up to my backyard. This is an apology in advance for them because they won't experience my "mommy-rath" until next Summer. I would like to apologize for all the shit you hear me yell at my son and my dog. I know you can't see me through the bushes, but know that I am cringing at the ridiculous sentences I say.


Ok, a little backstory here. I live with my parents and we have a pretty sweet backyard. It's not huge, but we have a pool, a swing set, a sandbox, a little pool, a big dog, a small dog, a garden, and my four year old son. Our beautiful landscaping has grown so big that our backyard is like an escape. You can almost forget you even have neighbors. These bushes help me believe I'm hiding my crazy, but I'm clearly not. Here's pictures of the backyard:

And here's how it would look from the air. My yard is the polaroid with the "social problems" sticker. All the other ones are backyards that are affected by this. The new family just moved into the house with the star. Although, they have what appears to be a young son, so this could just be a warning of what's to come. All the other affected neighbors have been there for years, or have kids around J's age, so they don't mind and have told us they love the random comments they hear through the fence.
*I know it's not the best collage, but I had to work with what I got. *

So, that's the yard, these are the characters responsible for my crazy:

Lucy & Thor

Top ten phrases I have actually said that make my neighbors love Winter

During the Winter, we're all rarely in our backyards at the same time, but on a beautiful summer day, you can expect to hear one of the following come from my backyard. 

1. Where did your clothes go? / Why are you naked? / Can you at least put underwear on?

2. Don't pee in/on/off of that

3. Stop throwing your toys in the big pool

4. Stop throwing sand in the little pool

5. Lucy, don't eat Thor's poo

6. Lucy, don't eat Thor

7.Be careful. Going down that slide naked is going to hurt. 

8. No. I'm not kissing your butt cause the slide was hot. I told you put clothes back on 5 minutes ago.

9. Don't go near that pool. I told you we can't go swimming till your have clothes on. We don't swim naked. / Don't sit in the sandbox naked

10. Where the hell did you find that paint?! No don't paint that, or that, or the dogs. get back here!

Four lessons I learned while doing the "wrong things" for my son.

Today's topic came to mind when I stumbled upon this lovely blog post: Anna Rosenbaum Palmer

I loved every idea, and already do some. The title is, "Nine Ways Lazy Parenting Helps Grow Great Grownups."

As she says, there are so many "styles" of parenting these days, and everyone will tell you why their preferred method is the best, and someone else will tell you why that way is complete garbage. I am not here to tell you the right way. Today is my son's fourth birthday. It's been a crazy four years, and I am just here to share my parenting experience, the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

In honor of the big fourth bday we are celebrating today, I thought I'd share four of the biggest "mistakes", according to everyone else, and how they turned out to be wonderful decisions for my son, myself, or both of us. 

1. Being Selfish

I've been accused of being selfish numerous times. 

The first is when I left my son's functioning- alcoholic of a father because I didn't want to marry him.

What people said: "You're tearing your family apart", "Think about what this will do to your son","You have a kid, you need to put his needs first, not your own.", "Don't you want your son to grow up in a happy home?"

What actually happened: My son is growing up in a happy home. My happiness is important cause without that, I couldn't be the best mom I could possibly be. He also would've grown up with a distorted view of what love is. How's his relationship with his dad? It's shit. He sees him next to never. Daddy dearest decided it was much easier being a parent two weeks a year than actually giving a damn. This could be seen as a downside, but to be honest, it's not. Because I made the decision I did, I am able to be a better dad, as well as the best mom for my son. My guess is that I would have been doing both jobs, even if I stayed, just now I'm happier.

2. Letting my toddler do stuff on his own

People don't give toddlers enough credit. They are smart little creatures and they'll figure stuff out pretty quickly. I have often relied on the, "well, he'll figure it out," mantra, and, guess what?! My son figures it out. 

The beautiful pallet garden that my three
 year old helped me build, using real tools.


 

What I heard: "You're going to let him climb that [at the park]?! What if he can't get down?", "You're going to let him wear shorts out of the house?! It's December!", "He is way too young to be using a screwdriver, saw, or hammer. He's only three.", "Kids that age shouldn't listen to music like that.", "That's too heavy for him, he'll hurt himself."

What happened: 

He cried for a little, but when he realized I wasn't climbing up the playground to get him, he figured out how to get down safely. He overcame that fear and now needs less help than some ten year olds I've seen at the park. 

With the shorts, he never made that mistake again, and I'll never have to beg him to dress for the weather ever again. 

With the tools, we had one smashed finger, but then he figured it out. Now, he helps me and grandpa actually build/fix stuff around the house. He is always so proud of himself when we finish up. 

With the heavy items, yes it was too heavy. He dropped it on his toe. He now asks for help when he needs it. 

3. Letting him listen to music or radio that wasn't appropriate

J has always liked music, ever since he was a newborn. There was this weird cable, classic country/bluegrass station that played music videos 24/7. It was the only thing that would keep me awake during midnight feedings, and the only thing that would calm him when he started teething @ 3 months. He got his first guitar at 18 months. He started listening to the Grateful Dead at age 2. He now owns a banjo and loves Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, and Willie Nelson. I also listen to NPR whenever we're in the car. This has caused minor irritations for his teachers and daycare workers. 

What I've heard: "Um it's really not appropriate for him to bring a Grateful Dead stuffed bear to show and tell.", "James asked to make a 'Go Home Bundys' sign during art today.", "James probably shouldn't be singing 'If you like pina coladas' during singing time.", "James told the whole class today about the budget crisis the state of IL is going through, and gave us all reasons why we should work as a team. Kids shouldn't be worrying about that."

What actually happened: They were all wrong and he's starting guitar lessons tomorrow

A Grateful Dead bear is only a symbol of something if you make it that. I think it's a symbol for a really great band, and one of the best guitarists of all time. 

As far as singing Jimmy Buffet goes, I am proud that he knows a song by heart. Maybe not the best time, but what other three year old can do that?!

The "Go Home Bundys" sign wasn't my fault, I blame that on watching too much MSNBC with his grandpa. Either way, I do not think it is a bad thing to have a child who understands that the world doesn't begin and end with him. He has a deeper knowledge of how this world works, and is coming up with solutions that he sees as possible. There is nothing wrong with that. 

#parentingwin

4. Letting him make a huge mess or get himself messy

Sometimes, even I think this is a mistake beforehand. 

Making a huge mess has turned into some wonderful projects or experiences

Project: Furniture painting 

We had furniture in our backyard that we had wanted to repaint for years. J and I had SO, SO, SO MUCH FUN getting paint all over our clothes, the grass, the patio, and, of course, the furniture. 

The mess: The grass grew, then was cut, paint gone. Our clothes were messy clothes anyways. The extra paint washed off the patio, and our furniture is GORGEOUS. We also now have painted paver rocks and a multi color rain barrel too. 

Experience: Playing in the mud

The mess: not even comparable to the amount of fun we had. 

I am a firm believer that we are exactly what our children need, mistakes and all, and the best piece of parenting advice that I got when I was pregnant, still keeps me calm to this day.
"Kids don't come with instructions. Because of this, god made them pretty human proof. Think of all the shit cavemen babies had to go through, and yet they survived, and we are proof of that.