A leap of faith

When the consequences of taking a leap of faith, and failing, are diminished by the consequences of not taking the leap, your minds already made up. TAKE THAT LEAP. 

I met my son's father while we were both in college in Missouri. I'm from Chicago. I left him when my son was a year old. My parents, "stayed together for the kids," and I respect them so much for that. At the same time though, their unhappiness has caused emotional issues for me, and my siblings, into adulthood. I never wanted my son to deal with that. The house is full of love 75% of the time, but there are moments. A year after I left, I graduated and I had a lease ending, plus no job lined up, so we moved in with my parents back in chicago. That was my only choice. 

Three years later, and we're still living with them. I was offered the opportunity to return to my alma mater to study for my master's degree. I keep telling everyone that's the plan. "Moving back to Missouri. Going to grad school." I haven't submitted the paperwork though. I was terrified, until today. 

What if I fail and have to move back to Chicago? What will that do to my son? Will he hate me forever? Will he be emotionally scarred cause of my failure? Can I even do this without my parents? 

I noticed something today though while my mom was yelling at my dad cause he put coffee in her cup before the creamer, which is ~obviously~ incorrect. I noticed my son's whole body language change. He had woken up happy, full of energy. As this went down he kind of curled up in his seat; head down, shoulders in, eyes on the table. I knew right then and there that we were moving. At that moment, my failure didnt mean shit if it stopped his emotional wreckage from happening. 

Some things still amaze me about becoming a parent, and how quickly my feeling change based on his well being, will always be one of them. I saw his reaction and knew that I wasn't going to fail because of him. All of my selfish fears disappeared cause he needed this opportunity just as much as i did. If, by some weird fluke, I totally bomb, at least he'll know mommy tried. I'm not saying that I won't hit a bump or two, or that I won't emotionally damage him in other ways, but at least they'll be my own, different ways. Hahahaha

So, my message today is that I wish you inner peace with your decisions. Don't stress yourself too much about making the right decision. If you work hard, and make the most of every speed bump you hit, you'll be just fine.