Four lessons I learned while doing the "wrong things" for my son.

Today's topic came to mind when I stumbled upon this lovely blog post: Anna Rosenbaum Palmer

I loved every idea, and already do some. The title is, "Nine Ways Lazy Parenting Helps Grow Great Grownups."

As she says, there are so many "styles" of parenting these days, and everyone will tell you why their preferred method is the best, and someone else will tell you why that way is complete garbage. I am not here to tell you the right way. Today is my son's fourth birthday. It's been a crazy four years, and I am just here to share my parenting experience, the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

In honor of the big fourth bday we are celebrating today, I thought I'd share four of the biggest "mistakes", according to everyone else, and how they turned out to be wonderful decisions for my son, myself, or both of us. 

1. Being Selfish

I've been accused of being selfish numerous times. 

The first is when I left my son's functioning- alcoholic of a father because I didn't want to marry him.

What people said: "You're tearing your family apart", "Think about what this will do to your son","You have a kid, you need to put his needs first, not your own.", "Don't you want your son to grow up in a happy home?"

What actually happened: My son is growing up in a happy home. My happiness is important cause without that, I couldn't be the best mom I could possibly be. He also would've grown up with a distorted view of what love is. How's his relationship with his dad? It's shit. He sees him next to never. Daddy dearest decided it was much easier being a parent two weeks a year than actually giving a damn. This could be seen as a downside, but to be honest, it's not. Because I made the decision I did, I am able to be a better dad, as well as the best mom for my son. My guess is that I would have been doing both jobs, even if I stayed, just now I'm happier.

2. Letting my toddler do stuff on his own

People don't give toddlers enough credit. They are smart little creatures and they'll figure stuff out pretty quickly. I have often relied on the, "well, he'll figure it out," mantra, and, guess what?! My son figures it out. 

The beautiful pallet garden that my three
 year old helped me build, using real tools.


 

What I heard: "You're going to let him climb that [at the park]?! What if he can't get down?", "You're going to let him wear shorts out of the house?! It's December!", "He is way too young to be using a screwdriver, saw, or hammer. He's only three.", "Kids that age shouldn't listen to music like that.", "That's too heavy for him, he'll hurt himself."

What happened: 

He cried for a little, but when he realized I wasn't climbing up the playground to get him, he figured out how to get down safely. He overcame that fear and now needs less help than some ten year olds I've seen at the park. 

With the shorts, he never made that mistake again, and I'll never have to beg him to dress for the weather ever again. 

With the tools, we had one smashed finger, but then he figured it out. Now, he helps me and grandpa actually build/fix stuff around the house. He is always so proud of himself when we finish up. 

With the heavy items, yes it was too heavy. He dropped it on his toe. He now asks for help when he needs it. 

3. Letting him listen to music or radio that wasn't appropriate

J has always liked music, ever since he was a newborn. There was this weird cable, classic country/bluegrass station that played music videos 24/7. It was the only thing that would keep me awake during midnight feedings, and the only thing that would calm him when he started teething @ 3 months. He got his first guitar at 18 months. He started listening to the Grateful Dead at age 2. He now owns a banjo and loves Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, and Willie Nelson. I also listen to NPR whenever we're in the car. This has caused minor irritations for his teachers and daycare workers. 

What I've heard: "Um it's really not appropriate for him to bring a Grateful Dead stuffed bear to show and tell.", "James asked to make a 'Go Home Bundys' sign during art today.", "James probably shouldn't be singing 'If you like pina coladas' during singing time.", "James told the whole class today about the budget crisis the state of IL is going through, and gave us all reasons why we should work as a team. Kids shouldn't be worrying about that."

What actually happened: They were all wrong and he's starting guitar lessons tomorrow

A Grateful Dead bear is only a symbol of something if you make it that. I think it's a symbol for a really great band, and one of the best guitarists of all time. 

As far as singing Jimmy Buffet goes, I am proud that he knows a song by heart. Maybe not the best time, but what other three year old can do that?!

The "Go Home Bundys" sign wasn't my fault, I blame that on watching too much MSNBC with his grandpa. Either way, I do not think it is a bad thing to have a child who understands that the world doesn't begin and end with him. He has a deeper knowledge of how this world works, and is coming up with solutions that he sees as possible. There is nothing wrong with that. 

#parentingwin

4. Letting him make a huge mess or get himself messy

Sometimes, even I think this is a mistake beforehand. 

Making a huge mess has turned into some wonderful projects or experiences

Project: Furniture painting 

We had furniture in our backyard that we had wanted to repaint for years. J and I had SO, SO, SO MUCH FUN getting paint all over our clothes, the grass, the patio, and, of course, the furniture. 

The mess: The grass grew, then was cut, paint gone. Our clothes were messy clothes anyways. The extra paint washed off the patio, and our furniture is GORGEOUS. We also now have painted paver rocks and a multi color rain barrel too. 

Experience: Playing in the mud

The mess: not even comparable to the amount of fun we had. 

I am a firm believer that we are exactly what our children need, mistakes and all, and the best piece of parenting advice that I got when I was pregnant, still keeps me calm to this day.
"Kids don't come with instructions. Because of this, god made them pretty human proof. Think of all the shit cavemen babies had to go through, and yet they survived, and we are proof of that.

True life: My son can be an asshole sometimes

I had a new mommy friend post a video on Facebook the other day of a little girl telling her mom not to go to work. My friend, bless her heart, thought it was so cute and heartbreaking, exclaiming that, "she'd quit her job right then and there." A few mommies agreed it was sad, but were quick to inform her that, well, to be honest, kids can be huge brats sometimes. 

I AM NOT SAYING ALL KIDS ARE BRATS! I'm just saying when they're hungry, tired, frustrated,  or confused, they tend to say things that, we hope, they would take back when they know better. Hell, I know some adults who act like that. I may be one of them. #Hangry

So, before we go any farther, I want to state how incredibly smart, sweet, and amazing my toddler is. He is three, going to be four. He is my world. I don't know if all moms feel this way, but every time my son says something that's horrible, I feel validated, like I'm doing a good job. I don't back down from my stance when he says mean things, I stand firmer.  "You're the worst.", "I'm doing my job!"is a frequent exchange at my house. What I would really like to say is, "I know I'm the worst, but your dad is too busy to be bothered by a child, so I'm all you got kid."

I thought it would be kind of funny for all us parents out there to share the WORST thing you're son or daughter has ever said/done to you that was extremely bratty. 

I thought I'd start with my son's worst quote.

As I'm getting him on the bus one morning, "Just cause you don't want me anymore, doesn't mean you should send to me school." 

And my mother's story:

When I was younger, when I didn't get what I wanted, I would hold my breath until I passed out. This worked twice. Every other time, my parents just let me pass out cause, as a doctor told them, "she'll start breathing again automatically when she faints

There will be no judgement or hate here, just solidarity among parents who are holding on to their sanity by a string. Comment below with your war stories!

Let's get real about sunblock.

Sunblock, really? That doesn't sound too interesting, I make sure my kids wear it, blah, blah, blah. 

It may not be the most interesting topic, but I am going to go on a two minute rant of why I make sure to wear it and how IT IS POSSIBLE TO GET A SUMMER TAN WHILE WEARING SPF 50, and why you should too.

I am not a medical professional, I am just going from my experience here. All skin types are different. 

So, now on to my rant. Hear me out for two minutes, I promise you won't regret it.  

Why do I care about if you use sunblock or not? Because I have not always been so religious with it. I ignored the health warnings, I baked in tanning beds, then I had two experiences that completely turned that around.

First, over the past ten years, my 60 year old mother has had 5 skin cancer scares. Only 1 of them, the most recent, was actually skin cancer that had to be removed, but her attitude of, 

"That's actually not that many scares for how little sunscreen and how much oil I used tanning as a young adult. That's not even counting tanning beds!"

Um, sorry mom, but no. That was all avoidable and I am going to spread the word.

The story of my tan

My whole life I was taught that sunscreen was important, but as a teenager, getting "that perfect summer tan" was more important. So I'd put on SPF 4-15, tons of oil, and think I was good all day. 

I obviously wouldn't be. I am a mutt of European descent, mainly Irish, Scottish, French, and German. Needless to say, my skin burns VERY easily and this was a really dumb way of going about it.

I also used tanning beds on and off as a teenager. No need to go into the dangers there. I wasn't tan, I was orange. 

Then, ten years ago, I was lucky enough to work at an apartment complex pool as a lifeguard. It was a rule there that ALL EMPLOYEES, RAIN OR SHINE, APPLY SUNBLOCK (spf 30 or higher) EVERY THREE HOURS. There was even a form from the health department we had to sign! I don't know what their level of enforcement was, but my employer took it very seriously.

The first week of employment, I signed the Health Department store, and largely ignored ACTUALLY putting any sunblock, I mean, come on, I NEEDED THAT TAN. I burned, bad. Then before it healed, I burned again. 

"OK OK I GET IT! MAYBE THE HEALTH DEPT KNOWS SOMETHING"

From that point on, I used spf 30 every two hours, AND GUESS WHAT?!

I GOT AN AMAZING TAN BY THE END OF SUMMER! I had never, ever, been so tan in my life.  It may not be super tan, but given I am usually ghost white, 

Wait, so you're telling me, you wore sunblock so your skin was relatively safe, but you still got color? 

Yes. AMAZING COLOR. You wouldn't have even guessed I was a ghost before Summer. 

I have not burned a day in my life since then. 

I have even stepped up my sunblock game. Now, I don't step outside without being dipped in a bath of SPF 50. Just kidding, kind of. I make sure I'm covered Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter. I still use tanning oil, which isn't great for your skin, but I'm not burning anymore, so it's an improvement.

After helping my mom recover from a surgery that left her with a two inch long, 1 inch tall scar on her shoulder, from having skin cancer removed, I decided my skin deserved better. So does yours. 

Don't punish it, love it. 

And say it with me, SPF 30, every three hours, plus a bit of oil. 

Then moisturize, moisturize, moisturize to keep skin from getting dry. 

Also, one thing I learned is that if your skin feels hot, you're already burned and need to GTFO of the sun like ten minutes ago. 

Moms, I am looking at you. Don't remember to reapply sunscreen on your kids, and then forget to do the same for yourself. 

Confession: I run cauliflower through a food processor & tell my toddler it's cheese to put on all his foods.

True stories on how I trick my toddler into eating healthy, and how I wish I could improve

These methods are not scientifically tested, and some days are better than others, but they worked for me when my toddler would live off PB&J, ice cream, spaghetti, macaroni rice, potatoes, and cookies if he could. I did get lucky, he loves fruit, but veggies he despises. 

J's usual lunch

Trick #1: Cauliflower = cheese

From one of my FAVORITE IG ACCOUNTS: detoxguide

This one is pretty easy. I cook a whole bunch cauliflower then throw it in the blender or food processor. I then sprinkle it in the spaghetti, macaroni, rice, or on a baked potato & tell him it's cheese. 

The great thing about cauliflower is that it is just nutrient dense as broccoli, with a few more antioxidants! 

Double win. 

Trick #2: Veggie Noodles

The box says it all. 1 full serving of veggies per 3.5 oz. They look a little goofy, but you can't taste the difference. If he's ever being an extra brat, I just tell him the noodles came from Hulk (green) and Iron Man (Red) and that makes them cool.

Battle won. 

Not all battles are won, but some have silver lining

The next trick didn't work out as I planned, but still worked out

Trick #3: Overnight Oats

What it looks like online

How it looks when I make it

This has become my new favorite breakfast food. It's truly amazing, easy, and versatile. J didn't like it, but I LOVE it!

I never liked hot oatmeal, but something about last + greek yogurt + fruit = AMAZING

Check out the recipes below for ideas of your own, but here's some of the health benefits behind it. Lets imagine I made banana, raspberry overnight oats

Recipes for overnight oats: http://www.theyummylife.com/Refrigerator_Oatmeal

I love those top 3 benefits!

Trick #4: The Breakfast Shake

J never went for these, but again, I love them. 

Get kiddy with it! Get a full-body workout in while at the park

So, I saw this on my IG feed the other day…..

As a mom who LOVES working out, I totally understand the feeling, but I also think that this the ABSOLUTE wrong way to go about it. 

If you can't workout while having fun with your kids, you're doing it wrong! I have created a little circuit I do while at the playground. It'll get your heart rate pumping & you and your little ones will have a blast.

These are just my ideas. Please adapt all moves to your comfort and fitness level. 

Warm up: WALK TO THE PARK

Walking actually burns more fat calories. If you walked or RAN on the treadmill for the same amount of time, you would burn more calories running, BUT not all of those calories would be fat calories. 

Take it up a notch: Push the stroller, bike, or whatever vehicle your kid is using through the grass to add some resistance to this part of the workout.

Playground workout: 

STEP IT UP!

Take stairs 2 at a time

Do jump squats up the stairs

Do lunges up the stairs

LADDERS / ROPES / ROCKWALLS

My rule of thumb?

If my son climbs it, I climb it. 

Keep your lower body relaxed and really engage the arms to go higher

SUSPENSION BRIDGE

Think of the bridge as a large bosu ball that will help you with your balance. There are so many things you can do here, but I like to do 1 burpee every time I chase my son across it. It's also great for planking.

 Sidenote: Don't do this when park is busy. 

The above is what I do. I usually do 15 of each of the step exercises, then go to the next. I don't count how many reps I am doing because the main goal for me is to play with my son. 

Below are some more ideas

 Upper body using the benches

Tricep dips

Elevated push ups

http://www.parents.com/baby/health/lose-baby-weight/full-body-playground-workout/#page=1

http://www.shape.com/fitness/workouts/power-playground-workout

My thoughts on happiness when it comes to parenting, IT'S OK TO BE SELFISH

How do you define happiness? 

I've found that as my life moves forward, sometimes these definitions change. Many different things can affect how we define these important aspects of our lives. 

I've also found that once you become a parent, everyone will tell you, "Now that you're a parent, you're own happiness doesn't matter anymore."

For all the parents out there, I want to call BULLSHIT! While your happiness is not as important, it does matter. I am not being selfish. I will ALWAYS put my son's happiness before my own, but I have learned that I am not mom my son deserves if I am not caring about my happiness. Being the best mom I can be means putting my happiness first. My happiness and my son's happiness are intertwined, codependent, and I will not let that make feel like a bad mom!

Am I scared I might not always make the best decision? Of course, but that's part of parenting. I know when something's not right and I go with my gut. 

I promised myself, at a very early age, that I would never work somewhere that made me unhappy. I saw what it did to my mother as I was growing up, and I was POSITIVE I would never be that mom. I have also lived by the philosophy that in order to be the best mother I can  be to my amazing son, I need to be happy, not just with my job, but with everything. I have trusted my gut on this one, and so far, it has served me well. 

So what did I do to make sure of that I was never unhappy at my job? I studied a subject I love, historic preservation, I graduated college and landed, what I thought was, my DREAM JOB within two months of graduating. I was working in a museum, I was planning programs for the public, it sounds perfect right?

Well, not quite. I was miserable. I tried my hardest to appease everybody within the Park District organization, but I couldn't please everybody. Two years later, I finally decided enough was enough and quit. It was scary and I am so lucky I have the amazing support system I do. 

I still believe working in a museum is right for me, but for now I am working part time, focusing on myself and my family, following other passions, and finishing up getting my personal training certification.

Again, this decision was scary, and it may not be the right one for every family, but for my son and I, putting my happiness first has truly made us both happier, brought us closer, and is a decision I would not take back for anything. 

So, what have I been up to for the past two months?

Well, I found a part time job that pays the bills, I am finishing up my classes to become a certified personal trainer, but the most lovely part is that I don't take it home with me. Any frustrations are left at the door when I leave, I am not responsible for more than my job duties, and I love it. This job, along with It Works, is truly allowing me to pursue other passions and spend quality time with my son. 

Solo road trip through IL 

picnic-ing in the woods

Kayaking & fishing

Got my other gardens ready

Planted a butterfly garden

So, if you take anything away from this, please remember that you are an awesome parent, you are doing the best you can, and I BELIEVE YOUR HAPPINESS IS IMPORTANT. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT.

Wishing you peace & happiness

XOxo Jen

Shinrin-yoku; Why nature is good for your health!

My family went camping and hiking while I was a child, I've gone canoeing about a dozen times, we visited forests while on vacation, but I never considered myself an "outdoorsy" girl.

While doing research on the architectural history of Chicago (where I grew up), I came across the interesting fact that the Cook County Forest Preserve District is the largest of its kind in the world, still not an outdoorsy girl, but I thought it was cool.

Through research for my work, I started learning about natural history of areas. This is what interested me. How the land was used and how it was developed. This idea spread and I eventually decided to take my son to one of the many Cook County Forest Preserve hiking trails in the vicinity of our house. It went better than I could have imagined and these nearby forests have turned into our favorite places. Being in the forest just made my two year old and I so happy. I knew there had to be health benefits for both of us, but it wasn't until months later when I read an article about shinrin-yoku, "Forest bathing", in Japan. I'm going to share excerpts from the article, as well as my own observations.

What is shinrin-yoku, or forest bathing? Well, here's the Wiki answer:

In Japan, a forest bathing trip, called Shinrin-yoku (森林浴) in Japanese and Mandarin, Sanlimyok (산림욕) in Korean, is a short, leisurely visit to a forest. Studies support claims of the benefits of Shinrin Yoku. These have demonstrated that exposure to nature positively creates calming neuro-psychological effects, as well as demonstrated reductions in stress, anger, anxiety, depression and sleeplessness.

History behind it, also from WIKI:

A forest bathing trip involves visiting a forest for relaxation and recreation while breathing in volatile substances, calledphytoncides (wood essential oils), which are antimicrobial volatile organic compounds derived from trees, such as a-pinene andlimonene. Incorporating forest bathing trips into a good lifestyle was first proposed in 1982 by the Forest Agency of Japanwww.rinya.maff.go.jp. It has now become a recognized relaxation and/or stress management activity in Japan.

I know what you're thinking, "Well you're from Chicago, of course you have the opportunity to spend time in the forest, all we have is a neighborhood park." 

1st off, I don't think most people think Chicago when they think of forested land. I never thought about it while I was growing up here. Look around you for opportunities, AND GO TO THAT NEIGHBORHOOD PARK. The rest of this answer, I'm going to support with science from the article cited at the end of this post. 

This, of course, makes sense. Spending time in any well-maintained green space improves the likelihood of social cohesion as well as mental clarity and well-being, says Julia Africa, program leader for the Nature, Health, and the Built Environment Program at the Harvard School of Public Health. Current research also shows that simply being in green spaces de-stresses us and can boost mood. If you’re up to take an actual forest bath, it’s not hard to do. According to M. Amos Clifford 's comprehensive guidebook, A Little Handbook of Shinrin-Yoku, all you need to do is find a forest or a park with some trees and wander around enjoying “sensory experiences—like the view of a stream, the sounds of birds, the changing aromas as you move along the trail, the texture and tastes of the air you are breathing, and the many patterns and forms of the world around you." Clifford suggests two-hour sessions. 

It's also good for the kid's health!

So, go out there, find your forest. I promise it will be the best therapy, church, classroom, bar, and gym all wrapped into one. 

http://www.shape.com/lifestyle/mind-and-body/health-benefits-shinrin-yoku